For the past few months I've spent a lot of time thinking about relationships. The whole concept of dating has always been a bit foreign to me as it's never been a priority. Past ex-boyfriends will tell you that I didn't put much effort in making relationships last, which is true. My time was so consumed by other things that I didn't focus on boys. In high school I had a busy academic and extra-curricular calendar. In college I was too busy with school and learning to love /care for myself that the opposite sex was a distraction I didn't want to deal with.
When I turned 25 I knew that I was ready to venture into the world of meeting someone, so I turned to the world of online dating. Why online dating? Because I figured that getting to know someone online would help protect my inexperienced heart and my weak self-image. And in a way it worked, I got to know people without physically interacting with them. It felt safer because I didn't have to worry about the little things, like first date outfits or whether they thought my laugh was annoying. I could be the barest, most genuine me. Men could get to know me without having to see how nervous I was at the prospect of opening up to them. In many ways I feel more confident on paper (or on screen rather) than in person.
And that experiment worked... sort of, I became pen pals with a few LDS guys and eventually started interacting with one more than the others. I won't mention who he is or describe him, as there is a possibility that he might end up reading this. Suffice it to say that I was smitten, but in the end I was a bit heart broken by what happened. I'm happy that this heart break was caused by someone that I'd never actually met, as it would have hurt a hell of a lot worse if I had interacted with them outside of cyberspace.
And while I'm no longer heartbroken by this situation, I can't deny that it has affected me in a few ways:
1) I learned to trust promptings of the Spirit/my instincts/intuitions - there were various times that I felt like something was off. In my gut, I knew that I was being toyed with. That the person knew how I felt about him and was exploiting those feelings. Or I knew I was being lied to; that things were being kept from me. I recognized and ignored almost every one of those little jabs to the gut until I could no longer be in denial. I vow to always listen to those promptings to avoid future hurt.
2) My self-esteem needed repair - my self worth has never been high. Growing up I had few "pretty days" (you know those days where you look in the mirror and think, "wow, I look great"). My body image has always been bad and I can't remember a day where I haven't wished my hair was a little less frizzy or that my cheeks would look a little less chubby. After the whole cyber-heartbreak I worried that I'd lay the mental smackdown on myself - but I didn't. I took a long hard look at myself and said, "it's time to change me for me". Mid-January I went to 24 hour fitness and signed up for a membership and several personal training sessions. I wanted to make positive changes to my body, not for any guy, but so I could learn to love me. And training has helped me tremendously, I have pushed limits I've set for myself and made lifestyle changes. I thank God everyday for being able to work with my trainer, as he is so knowledgeable and supportive.
3) I'm still weary of being hurt, to the point of being defensive - this one hit me today, and is the real reason I decided to write this blog at midnight. It's been a couple of months since the cyber-heartbreak incident, and have just started diving into the dating pool again (although at the moment it's still the virtual pool). I've met a few REALLY nice guys. I look forward to getting their messages and chatting with them. The problem that I noticed is that I'm trying a little TOO hard to protect my heart. When one of them says something nice in the back of my mind I'm wondering, "is he just saying that to toy with me?" Or "Is he just saying he likes me to see how I'll react?" And the worst one "Is he just leading me on online while he has another girl in real life?". Every time these thoughts pop into my mind, I shut a potentially great guy out a little more. Granted, they are valid questions, but it's not fair to these guys if they are legit.
For example, there's one guy I really like on the site and he seems to return the affection, but I find myself sort of challenging him to prove to be a jerk, which in turn makes me come off as a jerk. As a matter of fact I'm worried that my last little challenge may have written me off his radar (P.S. if you are reading this I really am sorry about that and hope you believe in second chances. Maybe?)
Anyway, to sum it up I've been hurt and appreciate the lessons I've learned. Hopefully I can start to trust myself and trust guys fully again. Hopefully, I learn to fully love myself and eventually find a great guy.
Hopefully, this makes sense. If not - I mean it is 1:30 am and I'm a busy little lady.
What do you all think? Any advice?
